[Mishmash] FW: John Cleese's Letter to America

[David Brown]

> 
> 
> > 	John Cleese's Letter to America
> >
> > 	To the citizens of the United States of America
> >
> > 	In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
> USA
> > 	and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> > revocation
> > 	of your independence, effective immediately.
> >
> > 	Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
> monarchical
> > 	duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
> (except
> > 	Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
> >
> > 	Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> > 	America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> > Senate
> > 	will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
> > determine
> > 	whether any of you noticed.
> >
> > 	To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
> > 	following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> >
> > 	1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford  English
> Dictionary.
> >
> > 	Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
> > 	You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
> > 	pronouncing it.
> >
> > 	2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
> > 	 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> > 'doughnut'
> > 	without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize"  will be
> > replaced by
> > 	the suffix "ise."
> >
> > 	3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
> > 	 you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find
> you
> > simply
> > 	 can't cope with correct pronunciation.
> >
> > 	4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
> > 	 acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
> > 	 twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
> "like"
> > 	and "you know" is unacceptable and  inefficient form of
> > communication.
> >
> > 	5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft
> > 	 know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> adjusted to
> > take
> > 	 account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-
> ize."
> >
> > 	6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> > 	 Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
> >
> > 	7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November
> 2nd
> > 	 will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
> > 	  England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
> >
> > 	8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> > 	 lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
> and
> > 	 therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
> > 	Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
> > 	to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
> therapist
> > 	then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
> >
> > 	9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
> > 	 anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will
> be
> > 	required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >
> > 	10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
> is
> > 	 for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
> > 	 will  understand what we mean.
> >
> > 	11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
> > 	 will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the
> same
> > time,
> > 	 you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
> conversion
> > 	 tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand
> > the
> > 	 British sense of humour.
> >
> > 	12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
> > 	 been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
> >
> > 	13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
> French
> > 	 fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> > potato
> > 	 chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
> fried
> > in
> > 	 animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
> >
> > 	14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
> > 	 with customers.
> >
> > 	15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> > 	 actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter
> will be
> > 	 referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
> >
> > 	provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will
> be
> > 	referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be
> sold
> > 	without risk of further confusion.
> >
> > 	16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
> actors
> > 	 as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
> actors
> > 	 to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
> English
> > 	 dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin
> > 	to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
> >
> > 	17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
> > 	 kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you
> brave
> > 	enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has
> some
> > 	similarities to American "football", but does not involve
> stopping
> > 	for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
> armour
> > 	like a bunch of nancies).
> >
> > 	18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
> > 	 to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is
> not
> > played
> > 	 outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
> is
> > a world
> > 	 beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
> >
> > 	19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> >
> > 	20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
> > 	 Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
> > 	acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
> >
> > 	Thank you for your co-operation.
> >
> > 	John Cleese