[Mishmash] FW: Why we like the British

[David Brown]

-----> BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

 Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
 bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for
the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
 (The Daily Telegraph)

 Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
 missing her Italian boyfriend.
 (The Manchester Evening News)

 Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
 (The Guardian)

 A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman 
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
 (The Times)

 At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
 didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
 blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
 (Aberdeen Evening Express)

 Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
 with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
 week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
 recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
came up in
 the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
 (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

 A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
 made to their passengers...

 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
 service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you
 happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to
cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
 time.
 The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
 Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
 destination."

 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
 security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
 time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
 wall.....'."


 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,
 Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
 told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
 things like that".

 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
 announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

  8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on
then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."

  9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
 instructions."

 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
 that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
 your bags into the doors."

 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
the door."

 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on
the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
 understand?"

 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
 move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of
the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs
away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse
 sideways!"

 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
 allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
 joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." 

 

                              

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